My son thinks he can cook

In case you haven't heard (I can't imagine that you haven't) Andrew has moved back home.
This in itself is more stressful than you can even imagine.
He has been on his own for almost two years. So the idea of going back to any kind of rules alludes him. He is used to coming and going as he pleases, having friends over (including the new girlfriend) at all hours of the night, playing his music too loud, talking on his phone too loud, getting out of the shower without drying off first (or turning the water off for that matter), not cleaning out the bathroom sink. He is certainly not used to his 12 year old sister wanting to be part of his life. The list is endless.
I make the rules, he bucks them (the apple didn't fall far).

He does however get on me about eating out too much. I suppose this is a good thing for him to complain about. We do indulge in the convenience of fast food, far more often that is reasonable or healthy.

My argument to him is "pick a night and you can cook". There is just a slight problem with this idea.. MY SON CANNOT COOK.

Last night. Actually it was like 1 o'clock this morning, he decided that he was hungry. So he went through the freezer (since he's been home the food supply there has gone down immensely).
Anyway, he found a bag of frozen french fries.
I need to interject here that I can and do cook occasionally. But I do not fry. For a couple reasons. It's not healthy (because apparently McDonalds is) and because deep frying is a mess I choose not to deal with.

So at 1am, I'm finally able to doze off. For a minute. I was woke up by this smell. I can't even describe it. But my bedroom was filled with it. I figured he was cooking something and rolled over. But it just kept getting worse. I could feel my nostrils clogging, my head aching, my stomach turning. It was horrid.

When I finally got up, the kitchen was dark. There was an empty pan on top of the stove, the oven was on and the lad was nowhere to be seen (I assumed he had taken whatever he cooked down to his room). But I still could not clear myself of the smell.
I sat on the couch waiting for it to wane. It didn't. So I called him (yes I was calling the basement of the house I was sitting in). He didn't answer. I laid down on the couch but the smell was still too strong to sleep.
Finally I walked down to his room. Empty. He seriously cooked this shit and then left in the middle of the night. I opened a couple windows and the front door. Lit a candle and called him again. He answered. He was at a friends house. Whatever.. I was pissed, but not about that (yet).
I said "what the hell did you cook". He said "french fries".
Okay "what the hell did you put on them?" He said "garlic powder".
He put a half a spice jar worth of garlic powder on a 1/4 bag of frozen french fries and then put them in the oven. It seems he must have forgotten about it because when I looked closer at the pan, there was half a spice jar of burnt garlic powder on it.
This is no lie, I inhaled so much garlic in the middle of the night, that I had garlic breath all day today. It is seriously still stuck in my nose hair. I can't stop smelling it, almost 24 hours later.

During our phone call, I asked him one last question "when did you say you were moving out?".

I see how I rate

So I have a brother (don't act surprised his name is Kevin). He's SEVERAL years older than I am.
I can't really say I would call him a techy. He's got a cell phone, an email address and a gun. But I've never seen him with a gameboy or a playstation. We had a Wii on Thanksgiving and I don't think he even attempted it. I'm sure it was an age thing. I will admit, I didn't attempt it either but I have good reason. If I so much as blow my nose, I pee a little. So jumping around trying to dance dance revolution, would have required a depends.

My brother also not an over communicator. We don't have weekly (or monthly) phone conversations to catch up with each other. We don't email and ask about what is going on in each others lives. I think he may talk to mom and dad once a week or so. I also don't think he has weekly update phone calls with our sister (Kim).
Pretty much the only time we talk is to find out what someone in our respective family wants for their birthday or Christmas. And if maybe if there is a family crisis that one of use needs to be notified about. He did call me last week to ask me how to wrap Lil Smokies in bacon (crisis?).

I usually do my family updating with his wife Melissa via email or facebook. She fills me on his TV appearances (he's famous) and what is going on with their daughter Elizabeth.

I'm a facebook addict. If I don't get on it every night to see what my friends are up to, I can't get to sleep. I believe I actually can take some of the credit for talking my mom and my sister into getting an account.
It great for keeping up on what my sister and her family are up too. Mom, Kim, Kim's daughter Stefanie and Kevin's wife Melissa are all on my "friends" list.

I NEVER in a million years thought I would see the day my brother signed up for a facebook account.. I've had mine for a couple years now. I tell everyone they need a facebook account.
But Kevin on facebook, not a chance.

It's also a great way to keep up with extended family. An example of this is the Lind family. The Linds have not always been in our lives, but I can't for the life of me remember a time when they weren't. They are a combination of friend and family and none of them live in Illiois.. I've gotten to know Eric Lind better through facebook (we enjoy some occasional smart ass banter). This will all make more sense in a minute.

So when I got home from work today, I signed on to see what kind of day all my facebook peeps had. As I'm scrolling down the page reading status updates, I notice this "Kim Wettersten and Eric Lind are now friends with Kevin Rollins".
Huh???
I looked at my notifications. I didn't have a friend request from Kevin Rollins.
So I went to Eric's wall and commented on the notification "how is it that Eric Lind is "friends" with Kevin Rollins before his own sister?" Eric said it must have something to do with priorities. And informed me that the only person on Kevin's friend list before him, was my niece Stefanie..
Whilst in this conversation I sent my brother a friend request, to see if he would accept it.
Then it occurred to me. When you are new to facebook it "suggests" friends for you and then you have to go send them a friend request. Or you actually have to go looking for people you would like to friend. That means that my brother sent friend requests to my sister, my niece, Eric Lind and three other people (he had a total of 6 friends as of 5pm this evening).
Then suddenly appearing on my status updates is this "Bev Rollins is now friends with Kevin Rollins".
Hey?!?!? What am I chopped liver?? He sent at least 7 friend requests and none of them were to me.

I just checked again. He's up to 9 friends and still HAS NOT accepted my friend request.

This is what I think.. He's afraid. He knows that I can out-facebook and out-smartass him. He's afraid that if he friends me, I'll write something on his wall that will have him laying under the desk in fetal position sucking his thumb.
Therefore, I shall call myself the facebook queen.