NASCAR and Walmart

Something you should know before I start..
I can't stand guys that go shirtless.. If I'm driving down the street and pass a guy mowing the lawn, running, riding a bike, or anything else without a shirt on. I say "put a shirt on".. Of course I say this to myself, not actually to the half naked man on a lawn mower. And it doesn't matter if they're a lil tubby, or in great shape with a perfect set of six pack abs.. PUT A SHIRT ON. And not a wife beater.. That does not constitute a shirt..
If I can't walk shirtless through the lovely streets of Danville, then neither should they..
Something else you should know. I love to go to Walmart.. Don't get me wrong.. I don't like to shop at Walmart. I like to go make fun of people.
There is a mirror section in Walmart.. Here is my idea.. Put the mirror section at the front of the store..
I'm pretty sure the people that shop at Walmart, do not have mirrors at home. And it seems like the people I see at Walmart all buy clothes 3 sizes too small.. And I'm seriously not just talking about the bigger girls in their belly shirts showing off their tramp stamps. The skinny girls are buying their clothes too small as well. If your tiny little ass cheeks can feel the heat of the sun when you bend over, your skirt is too short.
And if their clothes aren't too small, they're pajamas (I've complained about this before). If there was a mirror at the front of the store, people could check themselves out and know they need to turn around and go home to change.

With all of that being said. Scott took me to my first ever NASCAR race.. That's right I went to the Brickyard 400. I'm not really sure what the cars were doing.. I think there was wreck on the first lap.. But I couldn't tell ya.. I was too busy people watching.
I'm pretty sure a convoy of buses pulled into the area Walmart parking lots and picked up the cream of the crop and drove them to the Indianapolis Motor Speedway.
I have never seen so many shirtless men in my life.. And remember those six pack abs I mentioned earlier?? None of those guys were there, that would have at least helped..
My favorite was the beer-gutted hunk-o-man with his pants on the ground. This guys gut was hanging so far over his slouched pants, that I'm not sure he would have been able to find the zipper when he had to pee. And to add to this handsomeness, he not only had both nipples pierced, they had stars tattooed around them.. Really???

Are matching tattoo's a new trend?? I don't mean couples with little matching wedding bands tattooed on the backs of their necks (as if that's not bad enough).. I'm talk about two guys with some kind of matching star shaped tribal thing on the middle of their backs (obviously they were shirtless also). Was one guy watching the other at the tattoo parlor and say "I'll have what he's having".. Come up with your own design dude.
Then there was the crew of fine upstanding folks sitting in front of us.
An older couple with what we guessed was their daughter and her boyfriend. The shirtless boyfriend was almost directly in front of me, covered in all kinds of bizarre ink.. The most interesting was a tarantula tattooed on the back of his head, yes his head.. His melon.. His noggin.. And not just any tarantula.. This tarantula had its little tarantula head replaced with a human skull. Picture it.. a spider body with a human skull. It wasn't long before we noticed the other guy (the girlfriends dad) had a matching tarantula on his head? In what world was this a good idea??
The whole crew of them was very entertaining.. But the best part was the younger of the two men.. I need to interject. The cars on this track are going like 200 miles an hour.. At that speed, they can't tell the difference between a gnat and the giant jets that fly over at the beginning of the race. Besides their dashboard and anything moving at the same speed as them, everything else is a blur..
But for whatever reason, this fleadick in front of me, thought they could pick him out of the crowd.. Every time a car went by that wasn't his driver of choice, he would flip them off and mean mug them with this intensity.. Like he was willing them to wreck before they came around the track so he could do it again. Please someone, fish him out of the gene pool.

Now lets talk about the ladies.. Have you seen those swimming suits with the sides cut out and the V line neck down to the belly button? Do me a favor.. If you are anything larger than a size 2 or any older than like 25, don't put one of these on..
There is NOTHING attractive about old wrinkled skin pouring out of the sides of one these little numbers.. Tuck it in to a turtle neck. PLEASE.
And for you skinny little hot girls. Stiletto's? at NASCAR? with your daisy dukes and pasties (okay they were really just bikini tops. But they were not covering much)? NO NO NO.. Even the NASCAR girls that are hired by NASCAR to do nothing more than look pretty during the race, wear full long legged, long sleeved race suits.

And a few rows in front of us, was this 60something year old Marylin Monroe wanna be in a sundress with platinum blond hair,sitting between two shirtless rednecks with mullets.. I can't say she was really unpleasant to look at.. But she looked and carried herself more like a Kentucky Derby woman. Not so much a NASCAR fan.. And for some reason she thought if she held her cigarette above her beehive and blew the smoke up, it was less obtrusive. Maybe it was.. I was too busy watching her look at the sky with her hand in the air, just to get a nicotine rush..

NASCAR food.. This is much like fair food.. You don't get it very often.. And you think it's going to taste better than it really does.
Last year Scott and Dad went to the race.. When they got home, they kept talking about these smoked turkey legs. Neither of them tried one, but they went on and on about how great they looked.
So after the rib tips, egg rolls, polish sausage, and hot dog (I have pictures to prove it).. I decided I HAD to have one of these turkey legs (I had seen a gentleman earlier gnawing on a bone that he had eaten clean. and he seemed to enjoy). So I order the turkey leg and before I could get the change in my pocket and walk away from the vendor booth, I had to take a bite.
I got 5 steps from the booth when a guy grabbed me (a little scary in this particular drunken, rowdy setting). I turned quickly, ready to defend myself, and he says "hey?? Is that good?" (he was looking at my golden brown turkey leg and drooling).
I looked at him, looked at the poultry, paused for a moment then looked back at him and said "not so much". As pretty as it was, there was NOTHING yummy about it..
I picked at the rubbery, greasy mess as we headed out of the track toward our car. And when no one was looking, I threw it away, barely touched.

So.. fast cars, lots of food, a little beer and an entire stadium of entertainment, and it was a fantastic day. I can't wait to go back next year.