Commercials

So if you haven't noticed there are commercials on my blog site..
You might be asking yourself why this is..

Do you know you can make actual real live money doing this??
Not facebook fake money from Mafia Wars.. Because let me tell ya, I'm a billionaire on that particular application. But real life money that I can take to Fatman's and buy beer with.

My sister had mentioned this to me several weeks ago as something to try and Lord knows I need some extra money. So I figure - what the hell?

Undoubtedly this is going to be too good to be true.. But if it's not, I'll remember all of you when I'm living off my Blogger commercial income, in Jamaica mon.

I do find it ironic that the first few ads that were randomly posted on my blog have to do with hair dye.

Hair dye hell

So if you haven't heard, I dyed my daughters hair black.
And not just any black.. Black so black, it's blue..
I dyed my daughters hair blueblack.

Oh stop gasping.. IT'S JUST HAIR..
That has been my philosophy since uh, FOREVER..

Back in the day, I was known to do all kinds of weird things with my own hair including but not limited to, dying it orange and/or pink, shaving it, growing it, having a tail. You name it, I probably did it..
I was the same way when Andrew came along.. He had long hair, flat tops, mullets and I even used to take him to have designs shaved into the back (his hockey number, a Nike symbol, whatever he was into at the moment)
And my mother hated it (just about as much as she hates that I let Ryleigh do pretty much anything with her hair). When I was about 15 there was actually one episode that repulsed my mother so badly, she fired me from my job at the Ramada and refused to look at me until my hair grew back.

But, I figure if she is going to physically alter her appearance to express herself, hair is the best choice since it's easy to fix.

I have to explain that this kid has more hair on her head, than anyone I've ever met..
She was born with at least 2 inches that stuck straight up on her entire head.. She seriously looked like a troll doll for the first 4 months she was alive.. By the time she was two years old, she could sit on it..
The problem was, she was so tender headed, I couldn't do anything with it.. She screamed when I washed it, she screamed when I brushed it, she screamed if I just looked at it..
So what to do, but whack it off.. And we did.. About 17 inches to be exact.
Since then, she's gotten less soft on her melon and can do more with it..

So much to the dismay of most of my family, hair is free game and Sunday night we decided to dye it black.
Let me just say, if you ever get to chance to venture into this particular physical alteration, let it go.

It went sorta like this.
I mixed the color and color enhancer crap in the provided bottle and shook and shook and shook.
In the past when I've colored my hair, the color in the bottle changes slightly to match the color that's pictured on the box.. No matter how much I shook, the concoction stayed white. I even reread the instructions to make sure I mixed the right things together..
I did, so I proceeded..
I sat Ryleigh facing backwards on the toilet and started applying the white hair dye.
Remember how much hair she has? I ran out of hair dye 3/4 of the way around her head.
I shook and squeezed as much out of the applicator/bottle as I could.
So then (with the supplied cheapass gloves) I'm squeezing dye out of the front of her head to apply it to the back of her head. I was literally milking her hair for more dye.
And I must be really good at it because it worked and I got her entire head of thickass hair covered in white goo. Threw a towel around her shoulders and sent her on her way to marinate for 30 minutes.
I took off the gloves and rinsed the applicator (I've heard they're combustible) and threw them all away.
As we sat in front of the TV waiting, I could see the color changing on her hair. And her face. Apparently when I was milking her hair, I was touching her beautiful mayonnaise colored face with my hair dye goopy gloved hands. I DYED MY DAUGHTERS FACE BLUEBLACK!!!. Along with my arms and how I got blueblack hair dye up to my elbows, I still do not know. But I would recommend to the hair dye people that they put a rain coat in the blueblack hair dye boxes, instead of some measly cheapass wrist length gloves.
She was calm about it and said it would come off with alcohol (not the drinking kind).

After 30 minutes she headed to the shower to rinse..
25 minutes later I went to check on her..
The first thing I noticed were the blueblack splatters ALL OVER THE BATHROOM.
When I was shaking the bottle and milking her hair, I was splattering the white goo in the bathroom and in 30 minutes every white splatter turned blueblack.. nice..
So I peek into the shower and the water is still coming off her head with a bluish purple tint to it..
We couldn't get it rinsed.. So finally I told her to put some shampoo in it.. Rinse, lather, repeat. and repeat, and repeat and repeat until finally I was satisfied.
She put the special included conditioner in and I cleaned up the bathroom splatters.
When it was all said and done, the bathroom is clean, her face is not blueblack, my elbows look normal, and she actually looks really cute with black hair.
sorry mom

Barking Spiders

So my new job is in Human Resources.. This means I interview, hire and supervise employees.
The interviews take place at my desk in the Kelly Services office, which is right next door to The Great Wall Chinese restaurant.

One of my first interviews was a young good looking kid. Well mannered and quiet.. Met all of Kelly's standards..
I hired him..

We were sitting at my desk filling out the last few tax papers and going over the different things he needs to do for us to place him.

After he signed his name several times he got up to leave and he tooted.. That's right. he farted, right there in my chair...

I thought to myself "how embarrassing for him"..
He walked around to the front of my desk turned back, looked me dead in the eye and with a half of a shit eating grin on his face, he shook my hand and walked out.. Leaving his farticles behind (not that I smelled it, but I heard it).

I then started to load his information into the computer and I heard it again. A toot, flatulence, gas passing, barking spiders, fluff, fart.. Whatever you want to call it, I heard it.
But he was gone.. So who was it?? Is the Kelly office haunted? Was it ghost farts?

Then I heard it again and finally asked my coworkers what that noise was..
It's the chair legs scooting across the floor at The Great Wall Chinese restaurant. The wall muffles the noise just enough to make it sound like toots..

That's not the worst part.. The worst part is that as I thought about it, I realized that the guy I was interviewing had to have heard it too.
He wasn't grinning because he tooted and walked out..
He was grinning because he thought it was me..